i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
