Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
