im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
ttyl tear gas
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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