Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
