she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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