Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
