So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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