Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
