it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
