That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
