I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
