So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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