think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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