Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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