So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
