Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
