I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
