She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize