Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
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