My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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