I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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