My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
