I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Randomize
