Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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