I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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