Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
