Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Found your dick twin last night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
