I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
