Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
40s are totally the cure
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
