am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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