my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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