Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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