it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
