Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
