you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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