just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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