i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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