weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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