I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
