sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
