I haven't been this sober since birth.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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