if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
