i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
