no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
