Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
