chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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