We're facebook friends in real life
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So squirting runs in the family.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
