Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
