hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
