i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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