Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize