OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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