I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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