I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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