I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
