If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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