a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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