I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
