they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
