I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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