I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
