If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
