I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
