a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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