Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
